Black out

Sometimes I pray for a blackout

Dear friend,

I've been trying to think how if anything I did the last time I saw you on Friday would have made any difference. Instead I stood there going on about my problems, irrelevant and pedestrian things while you were in turmoil. I noticed and asked if you were okay and all you said was 'I feel out of sorts, I'll be better'. That was enough for me. I said bye and left for the day however later that evening I sent a bbm asking if you felt better, even added a hug.... but there was no reply. You never responded. It was too late.


Is it coincidence that while out at brunch on Sunday I mentioned to the person I was with that you shared the same birthday as him?

Is it coincidence that on Sunday night I knew what I would wear to work on Monday but the following morning I couldnt find the dress. However determined to wear that dress, I emptied out my entire closet searching for it?

Is it coincidence that I received the news of your passing on Monday morning while I was wearing all-black, head to toe?

Its been two days now and I have probably slept a total of 2hours in that entire period but cried for even longer. So many things keep running through my mind, so many scenarios, how you felt.... It really hurts.

A part of my brain was still thinking this was all a mistake and they will find you somewhere hale and hearty... alas, I got a message from your brother yesterday confirming it all. You're gone.

I cannot bear the fact that I wont see you again. You who always convinced me you could see my biceps and triceps forming (yeah right) and encouraged my falafel-addiction (lol) ... always so cheerful, funny and a cheer-leader.

I feel like I failed as a friend.

I hope whereever you are you've found peace. I'll never fully understand this all I know is I'm going to miss you my beach-chilling-whining-about-work-drinking-star-and-eating-nkwobi-middle-eatern-night  buddy.

Heard this song and the lyrics make me think of you in your final moments.

When the lights hurt my brain
Sometimes I pray for a blackout
When the candles are placed
Nothing more I crave than a blackout
Let there be no light
Let there be no light, ’til the sunrise
Let there be no light
Only then will I open my eyes
Let there be no light